things not to tell people

over the past few days I've discovered the two things that one with hopes for interesting conversation should never communicate; those are, "I have an unexplained rash," and "I lost my car keys." To answer all of you at once:

No, I'm not on any new medication.
Yes, I looked in the car.
No, I didn't change laundry detergents.
Yes, I went through all my jacket pockets.
No, I don't remember eating anything "weird."
Yes, I checked behind and under the bed, as well as in all drawers and open containers.
No, my shower soap is the same kind I've always used.
Yes, I looked in my jeans pockets and everything I've used as a purse.
No, I don't have eczema.
Yes, I've "retraced" my steps and fitfully tried to remember the "last place I saw them," and if you ask me that one more goddamn time I am going to rub my mystery rash all over your face. Especially if you have a scratchy beard.